Be impeccable with your word

This article is the first in a series about an "empirical" approach to understanding limiting beliefs and four agreements (actionable behaviours) that help break them. Each article will explore one of the four Toltec agreements from the book by Don Miguel Ruiz: Be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and always do your best. My most limiting beliefs are: I consider people fundamentally selfish (tendency to not ask for help to avoid disturbing others) and I think I am the only one seeing details (my perfectionism requires me to be detailed). Following the first agreement, "Be impeccable with your word," helps me avoid complaining about other people's behaviours and instead solve the issue at the source of the possible verbal complaint. This approach works well when working in a team because it prevents the spread of my irritation to others, contributing to a better overall team dynamic.

During my observations, I noticed that people frequently complain about and blame others. From my perspective, this constant complaining and blaming creates a negative cycle of emotions and reinforces negative beliefs about various situations. When in a group, such as a work team, we amplify these negative forces as we tend to encourage each other in our belief that our perspective is the only one. This behaviour makes it difficult to change our perspective and causes us to anchor problems in the past and bring them into the future. To provide a concrete example, consider an employee who consistently underdelivers, only doing the minimum required to complete their tasks. Instead of finding a solution to the issue, as the management team, we complained about the employee for months. This continuous complaining creates a negative spiral that ultimately leads to the termination of the employee. No one even attempts to find a solution or speak directly with the employee. While the outcome may have been the same - the employee being fired - addressing the issue earlier could have prevented the buildup of negativity and stress. In this situation, how can be impeccable with your word help?

I read the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz a couple of years ago, a gift from my girlfriend. At the time, I couldn't fully understand the impact and importance of what we say indirectly to others on people and situations. By indirect, I mean complaints that we don't make explicit to the person at the source, but rather share aloud with third parties. I had already recognized the impact of self-talk on my self-esteem and psychological well-being, but I hadn't yet applied this principle to indirect complaints and blaming. When I finally realized that talking about issues with other people without finding solutions - what we might call "blowing off steam" - was as damaging as negative self-talk, I remembered Don Miguel Ruiz and his first agreement: Be impeccable with your word. As a result, I decided to reread the first agreement with my observations in mind.

The first agreement emphasizes the importance of being impeccable with your words, both to yourself and others. Words are powerful and can create strong beliefs (positive and negative, unproductive and productive, etc.). How you communicate is important, but the content and modality of your words are crucial. For example, openly blaming someone or telling a friend about another person's actions that you hate can create beliefs that you are 100% right and confirm a possible negative bias in your friend against that person. This only temporarily patches your emotions, but by not addressing the root of the complaint, the situation becomes heavier over time. The self-confirming approach creates new, stronger beliefs which add complexity to finding a solution at the core of the initial complaint. You need to work twice as hard to dismantle those beliefs before being able to change your perspective and/or solve the problem. As Don Miguel explains, by following the first agreement, you can break this negative cycle and create a more positive and respectful environment for yourself and others. This involves speaking with honesty, integrity, and kindness, and avoiding using words to hurt or manipulate others. It also involves taking responsibility for your own words and actions and being mindful of their impact on others.

When you begin to be more selective with your words, you become more solution-oriented. You are more effective, you skip the step of publicly blaming others and you search for and apply solutions faster. For example, if a colleague of yours does something annoying repeatedly, you have the choice of blaming them by talking negatively to others about their behaviour without doing anything (maybe a miracle will happen...) or complaining to yourself and immediately skipping to finding a practical solution. In this case, you might propose a solution to your colleague to avoid or reduce the impact of their annoying behaviour (which is annoying to you). Alternatively, you could try a different approach and change your perspective to change your perception of the situation. It's up to you how you handle the situation after refraining from complaining, but the important step is to avoid openly complaining and instead take action by finding a solution. It's better to use your energy to change the situation or your outlook on it than to exacerbate it. For example, our management team was once again unhappy with the performance of an employee who had been given new responsibilities. This time, instead of complaining behind their back for months, we sat down together and found a solution. In the end, it was as simple as reformulating our requests in a way that was more understandable for the employee. From that moment, we saw a clear change that further highlighted the potential we saw in the person when we decided to give them more responsibilities. Being impeccable with your words allows you to act promptly and positively in any difficult situation that we might normally dismiss without finding a solution through complaining.

How you use your words is important, and many situations may benefit from the wise use of words. For example, instead of using our words to blame the behaviours and actions of other people, it is often better to skip directly to solutions and solve the problem. In what situations do you think it is important to be impeccable with your words? What are the situations you would like to change?