Don't make assumptions

With this article, we continue the journey into the Four Toltec Agreements, always guided by Don Miguel Ruiz. We specifically explore the third agreement: "Do not make assumptions." Our brain tends to assume and derive conclusions from past knowledge and bits of information.

Surprisingly, most of the time, it is royally wrong. When it is not, it is often because we "bent" our initial assumption to our liking or are blinded by confirmation bias. Making assumptions (or better yet, hypotheses) is best for scientific research. It allows us to advance our knowledge in many different fields. It is an essential aspect for scientists and their scientific method. However, does it serve us in interpersonal relationships? More often, no than yes! Unless you are Sherlock Holmes, it is better to avoid making assumptions in our private life. I have learned that when dealing with personal relations, it is better to ask questions rather than assume to know better.

Up to 25-26 years old, my learnings mostly revolved around theory. Yes, in life, I was following my practical path, but professionally, up until then, it was all theoretical. My brain was already somewhat accustomed to the scientific method. It was my way of learning, and I was going through life applying the same thinking patterns. If you are learning scientific material, it works like a charm. You have a problem, you make assumptions, and based on the knowledge you already have, plus some research (yes, ten years ago, Google was around), you could verify the assumption. Even during exams and tests, you could apply the same approach, and it was working—except that in that case, there was no Google, just your brain.

Observing myself at that time, with the experience I have now, I can clearly see that I was going through life by applying pretty much the same method, with one very important issue. When I was making assumptions about situations involving people, I was doing all the research to verify the assumption in my own head. For example, it happened to me several times, in student group projects and during my PhD, that while collaborating with others, one of the people with whom I was interacting suddenly became hostile towards me, along with all the other group members. Our knee-jerk reaction was to make assumptions. We were deciding for ourselves what was possibly happening in the head of the other person. We never spoke with the person of interest. Therefore, to this day, we do not know the reason for the issue, and of course, we never solved it. We were always attempting to come to a solution based on our assumptions, which most of the time didn't solve anything. At the time, I had no idea that we all prefer to make assumptions about ourselves and others rather than really understand the real problem by openly discussing it with everyone involved.

Before reading "The Four Agreements," I never thought about the impact of assumptions on my day-to-day life. I was aware that the brain takes shortcuts and is biased (suggested reading: "Thinking, Fast and Slow" by Daniel Kahneman). Our brains can easily make assumptions and fill in the gaps. It can also confirm our assumptions in hindsight. Even with this knowledge, I wasn't aware of the number of assumptions we make daily in the context of interpersonal relationships. I had a perfect example of how to deal with such situations right in front of me at work almost every day. One of my specialisations is understanding users' needs for software development. The process is straightforward: 

1. You make an assumption about a user's need, 

2. You verify your assumption by asking them questions, 

3. If your assumption turns out to be true, you formulate an assumption on how the software can help fulfil their needs, 

4. You build a prototype of the solution, 

5. You invite users to test your prototype by following a scenario and asking them many questions, 

6. If your assumption is validated, you build the functionality; otherwise, you iterate again, and so on. 

With this example, we can see that making assumptions is not necessarily the issue. The issue lies in how we verify them. An assumption, like a hypothesis, can turn out to be true or not. Even if partially true, our assumption may not be entirely correct. The key here is that once you make an assumption, you should not try to control its outcome; instead, you should verify it. One thing I understood is not to mix assumptions with expectations. An expectation is "what you want" and comes from a desire, making you biased toward its outcome. As per its definition, you expect it to materialize. If you make an assumption and attach excessive expectations to it, you risk doing everything you can to obtain the desired outcome, combining the expectation with confirming your assumption through self-talk. This leads to one of the brain's favourite activities: confirming biases. What I am trying to highlight here is that making assumptions is not necessarily the problem; it's how we verify them that is extremely important. It is also crucial not to leave assumptions unverified, lingering in your mind. Rest assured that sooner or later, your brain will verify them, aligning with your expectations. When life proves that your auto-fulfilling assumption was wrong, you may find yourself in emotional turmoil.

The difficulty of not getting caught in the trap of auto-fulfilling assumptions is so great that Don Miguel Ruiz proposes following the principle of one of the Four Toltec Agreements: "Do not make assumptions!" He explains that most of the dramas in our lives are due to assumptions. We imagine words and reasons behind people's behaviour, and by taking things personally, we exacerbate the effects. When we make assumptions and believe them to be true (as argued in previous paragraphs), we even try to defend them and blame others based on those assumptions. Don Miguel Ruiz encourages us to abandon assumptions in favour of questions. He also suggests clearly communicating our needs and intentions to others.

For example, in a relationship with a loved one, you might be tempted to assume that the person who loves you knows you perfectly. With this assumption, you expect them to behave in a certain way. If the person fails to meet your expectations, you might end up blaming them with the classic phrase, "You should have known." To prevent such situations, it is better to be open about what you expect and be curious, asking questions to understand the intentions of your loved one. The same applies to ourselves. We constantly make assumptions about our abilities. For example, we tend to judge ourselves as capable or incapable of doing things. Rarely do we take the time to ask ourselves questions and assess our situation objectively. Instead, we immediately assume and convince ourselves that we are right. In all of these examples, the solution is to ask questions to others and ourselves. Questions help bring clarity to the situation at hand. You can use questions to understand if you have communicated your intentions and needs clearly. Whenever you don't understand something, you should ask questions until everything is as clear as possible. Even then, you may not know everything, but at least you have a better understanding. There is no need to be ashamed of asking questions; anyone can answer with a "yes" or "no." Likewise, you can respond to questions with "yes" or "no." The motto should be: "Here is what I want; there is what they want." Don Miguel Ruiz concludes by stating that if we communicate clearly and stop making assumptions, our words would be impeccable.

I don't want to provide excuses for you to avoid trying to stop making assumptions, but I must admit, it is very challenging. I'm not sure if it relates to my scientific background or if human beings are wired to make assumptions for survival (perhaps an evolutionary trait), but I often find myself falling back into the mode of making assumptions. I can effectively handle a few days where I am focused, but then I enter autopilot again. I notice that as soon as a confusing situation arises, assumptions pop up like weeds in a neglected garden. It often happens in collaborative settings, for example, with team members at work, but I also catch myself doing it alone.

The most difficult assumptions to avoid are the ones that follow a discussion where I didn't receive clear or sufficient feedback. Instead of asking for further clarification, I tend to connect the dots myself. Asking questions may sound "easy enough," but in reality, at least for me, it is incredibly challenging. I face two fundamental problems:

1. I really dislike bothering people too much, so asking questions for clarification is a task I tend to avoid.

2. I struggle to determine when it becomes too much. Once I start asking questions, should I go all in until everything is crystal clear?

These two issues are contradictory and highlight how difficult it can be to maintain curiosity in today's society, where independence and charisma are prioritised. How does it feel to be the one who always has the need to ask questions? Why can't this person read between the lines? Was I not explicit enough? These and other assumptions about others' perceptions creep in, and I revert back to "assumption mode." It makes me feel safer, although I'm aware it's not necessarily beneficial.

Nonetheless, I am determined to continue this endeavour. I am confident that over time, I will find a balance between assumptions and questions that serve me well in making choices and taking action. I am generally not fond of extreme solutions, even though they can sometimes be helpful. I will keep pushing forward and update you on my progress.

I am determined to stop making assumptions. For now, I am using the assumptions that arise in my mind as clues to detect situations in which I need to shift to questioning. I try to apply the mantra: assumption in my mind, speak questions (similar to the approach I presented in this article about quitting complaining). If someone makes an assumption, I help them formulate questions to fill in the gaps.

I am also actively monitoring my assumptions, trying to catch myself when I make them. At the end of the day, I make an effort to recall the situations in which I filled the gaps with assumptions. I take notes about them in my journal.

And you, what do you think about assumptions? Do you make many of them? Do you believe it is worth it to stop making them?