Don't take anything personally

This article is the second instalment in the Toltec Agreement series. Here, we delve into the second agreement, which teaches us not to take anything personally. When we internalise what others say about us, we reinforce our limiting beliefs and assimilate theirs. We also risk waking up our ego and thinking everything is about us. In reality, nothing people say or do is about us, all is about them. Additionally, I understood that taking someone else's perspective personally can create internal unhealthy conflicting situations.

I get the sense that my ego manifests when I feel hurt. This happens when someone offers an opinion or perspective on something I have said or done. For instance, as a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I strive to be meticulous in my work. If someone raises a valid concern, I take accountability. However, negative emotions arise when I perceive that someone's comments or actions towards me are unwarranted or inaccurate. My challenge is to avoid taking these situations personally, especially when my values conflict with the feedback I receive.

My mother instilled in me the practice of considering the source and tone of the comments. I continue to apply this advice, and it has proven effective. However, relying on our own judgment to filter and interpret others' comments can be taxing and may not always yield positive results. Where does our responsibility end in this approach? How do we discern the boundaries?

A more radical approach, proposed by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book on the four agreements, is to not take anything personally without exceptions. Ruiz goes beyond whether a comment or action is positive or negative for you. In either case, you should not take it personally. While it may seem counterintuitive and challenging at times, it's essential to understand that what people say or do is about them, not you. For instance, consider an eco-conscious person who deeply cares about the planet's well-being, encountering someone who dismisses environmental concerns. Following Ruiz's philosophy of not taking things personally, the eco-conscious person acknowledges that the other person's indifference to ecology does not reflect their own values or actions. They recognise that the other person's perspective is shaped by their beliefs and experiences. Instead of being offended, they respond with empathy, engaging in respectful conversations and sharing information about the importance of environmental conservation. By not taking it personally, they avoid unnecessary conflicts and maintain a constructive approach to promoting their values. Taking things personally means assuming responsibility for someone else's world vision. The risk is to solicit your ego too often and start to believe that everything is about you.

One crucial step I took was to improve my self-awareness. Though my journey began years ago, I now understand the significance of knowing oneself, including our values and beliefs and recognising that others may have different perspectives. A pertinent example of how worldviews can impact interpretation is in discussions about climate change. As an eco-conscious individual, you may emphasise the urgency of action to a less environmentally concerned friend. However, they may view you as an alarmist while you see them as dismissive, leading to a deadlock with heated emotions. Practising not taking things personally could mean accepting each other's point of view without giving up on your principles. It involves acknowledging that their perception of you as an alarmist is shaped by their worldview, not your identity or expression. You can then decide if it's worthwhile to continue the discussion by understanding their beliefs and principles. For me, the greatest benefit of not taking things personally is understanding my own emotions and their messages. It has helped me practice the related principle of letting go in a more general sense. For instance, to remain in the ecology domain, in discussions about animal welfare with a colleague who opposes your views, if they make derogatory comments about animal rights activists, including yourself, not taking it personally allows you to realise that their comments reflect their own beliefs and biases. This helps you respond objectively and maintain constructive communication without reacting emotionally. By not taking derogatory comments personally, you can better understand and manage your own emotions. Recognising that the comments trigger feelings of anger and hurt due to your values, you can respond more composedly while still advocating for your cause.

The concept of not taking anything personally may initially seem counterintuitive, especially for someone like me who often seeks feedback to please others. However, it is actually the opposite. It helps establish a balance and define clear boundaries for where our responsibilities end and prevents us from constantly bringing our ego into the equation. It forces us to better know ourselves and understand our feelings and emotions. Begin by asking yourself, "When was the last time I took someone else's comments or actions towards me personally? What were my emotions? How did I react, and was it worth it?"