I quit complaining, easier said than done…

It is undeniable that people complain a lot. We often do so to reduce our frustration and draw attention to uncontrollable situations. I have observed that the more stressed I am, the more I tend to complain. However, complaining only fuels frustration, leading to other negative feelings and leaving me feeling even more overwhelmed. I have learned that complaining for the sake of complaining does not solve the source of the problem, which often resurfaces. To avoid spiralling into this destructive routine, I now direct my complaints toward solutions. Surprisingly, most of the time, I feel relieved and less stressed with the bonus that the source of the complaint is gone, solved!

I tend to want to control situations; in other words, I don't like surprises. I have a low tolerance for unexpected events or people who refuse to explore new solutions, particularly when I provide them with the necessary information to form their opinions. In such cases, I tend to dwell on negativity and complain without offering solutions. For example, if a client is unresponsive, we may spend half an hour complaining about their behaviour instead of finding a solution. This negativity can lead to feeling overwhelmed and wasting valuable time. Why do we prefer to complain instead of going into action? How can we recognise when we are complaining and consciously shift towards problem-solving to achieve better outcomes? 

To limit complaining, my first reaction was to attempt to prevent situations leading to complaints. This approach focused on achieving perfection, with extensive pre-explanations and providing multiple solutions for hypothetical scenarios. However, this solution was time-consuming and energy-draining mainly resulting in mediocre outcomes, leading to frustration. This approach created a negative feedback loop. To prevent frustration, I learned to let go of attempts to control situations and instead focus on how to deal with the outcomes. Focusing on outcomes was easier said than done until I came across the work of Christine Lewicki - I Quit Complaining.

When I read "I Quit Complaining," I was already somewhat aware of how much we complain in our daily lives, but I didn't realise the extent of my complaining and how it can greatly influence our overall quality of life. I even noticed how much I complained to myself about myself and my actions. I was unaware that many times during the day I was emitting a little sound of disappointment with my mouth. I was doing that consistently each time I was not happy with something I did or said. From "I Quit Complaining" I learned that complaining is just a temporary fix that alleviates symptoms without providing a lasting solution. There is no miracle cure for our daily life problems through complaining. Complaining opposes, giving excessive importance to unimportant facts and making a futile attempt to justify the need to control everything. It is an expression of frustration that won't disappear unless we find a solution to the root cause. Complaining is also the easiest mental path, a simple way to express our need for recognition and confidence when we doubt ourselves. We learn this approach as children and perfect it in adulthood, but is it the best reaction to frustrating and uncontrollable situations? While it may be the simplest and fastest, we know that it rarely works in the long run.

The 21-day challenge of "I Quit Complaining" helped me confirm that complaining fuels a negative feedback loop. I admit that I did not succeed yet to go for 21 days without a single complaint, but so far I am appreciating the journey that maybe will never end. When we complain, we are noticed as victims, reinforce our bias, and often fail to find a solution to the original problem. For example, you might have a coworker who complains constantly about their job. They could benefit from having a conversation with their boss about their workload or finding ways to work differently. By taking control of their situation, they can feel empowered and less like a victim of circumstances beyond their control. In doing so, they may also notice a positive shift in their mood and overall outlook on life. Though they may still encounter frustrating moments, they now have the tools to manage those feelings in a more productive and constructive manner. Admittedly, I still struggle with avoiding complaining and being more solution-oriented, or simply letting things be. However, I recognise that a life completely free of complaints is unrealistic. At least now, I notice when I complain or feel the urge to do so. I have the choice to consciously complain and choose when to enter solution mode. Solutions and their implementation are becoming my default reaction. I already notice substantial benefits from quitting complaining. I am more focused on solutions that matter, less frustrated, more positive, less regretful, and overall more confident. I am determined to reduce my number one source of complaining: frustration.

Quitting complaining is a very interesting challenge that everyone should try. Christine Lewicki's bits of advice and explanations are a good way to get started. One of my first objectives is to complain less when I am frustrated by a communication issue. This is why I am working on the adoption of “non-violent communication” paradigms. Using these paradigms allows people to clearly express and propose negotiable solutions. I will introduce non-violent communication principles in one of my upcoming articles. I conclude with a question: are you ready to quit complaining?