Initiation to non-violent communication

Communication is at the heart of our society. To interact with others, we must communicate. We communicate for many reasons, and one of the most important reasons for our well-being is to meet our needs. However, we only sometimes communicate effectively, leading to frustration. Often, we express these frustrations through complaints. In my efforts to learn how to communicate my needs more effectively, I have discovered that the principles of compassion and meditation can be applied to communication. As a result, I am now able to express my needs more clearly to others, and I also have a better understanding of their needs.

Since childhood, I have struggled to express my needs and establish boundaries. I often feel I am disturbing the person I am communicating with when I express an unmet need or boundary. This feeling is especially strong when the other person is confident in their actions and seems to believe that their way is the only way. As a result, I often sacrifice my own needs to avoid intruding on others. Unfortunately, this behaviour frequently leads to frustration and regret, and I often find myself thinking about what I could have done differently. This habit of replaying situations in my head only reinforces my negative feelings and creates an unhealthy cycle of self-punishment and self-criticism. For example, let's say that you're at a restaurant with some friends, and you ordered a dish that you don't particularly like. However, you don't want to cause a scene or be seen as picky, so you don't say anything and just eat the meal. Later, when you're alone, you feel frustrated with yourself for not speaking up and ordering something that you would have enjoyed more. You replay the situation in your head, thinking about what you could have said or done differently. This cycle of self-criticism leaves you feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with the outcome.

Over time, thanks to meditation teachings and practices, I have learned to recognise when feelings of frustration and regret arise. While I was aware of their existence, I could not identify their source. Recently, I have come to understand that these feelings may indicate unfulfilled needs or situations in which I have not fully accepted a loss. The question now is: How can I reduce the frequency of these emotions? And how can I effectively communicate my needs?

A common source of frustration and regret is a situation in which communication or negotiation was suboptimal. I came to understand this concept while reading "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. In most cases, people are willing to assist, but they must have a clear understanding of what you are attempting to communicate to them. This is critical in preventing feelings of frustration or regret. So, how can one communicate their needs constructively? Rosenberg provides comprehensive details in their book, but I'll outline some of the main steps here:

Put yourselves and others in the situation

To effectively communicate a situation to others, it's essential to put them in the scenario. Begin by grasping and observing the situation yourself, and then help others to immerse themselves in it fully. Be specific in your description, presenting the situation as you observe it, rather than as you evaluate it or categorize the people involved.

Express your feelings accurately

Accurately expressing your feelings can be challenging, but it's a crucial step in effective communication. The key is to use the right vocabulary. Once you've identified your feelings, you must express them using appropriate adjectives (consult the "wheel of adjectives") and contextualize them to real people and places. This means providing concrete descriptions and examples of situations that evoke those emotions and accurately naming those emotions.

The wheel of emotional words, courtesy of Flowingdata.

For example, instead of simply saying "I'm upset," you could provide a concrete example such as "I felt frustrated when my coworker took credit for my idea in the meeting without acknowledging my contribution." Then, accurately name the emotion as frustration, rather than simply stating that you're upset.

Clearly identify your needs

It's crucial to clearly identify your needs in communication to avoid frustrations. Failing to do so often results in wrongly attributing the source of frustration to others. This can lead to communicating frustration in an ineffective manner, where the other party feels excessively responsible and becomes defensive, creating a conflictual situation. To express your needs effectively, be precise and direct. It's helpful to rephrase those needs as solutions that are convenient and feasible for both parties. 

For example, instead of saying "You never help with the housework," which may come across as accusatory and vague, try saying "I need help with the dishes after dinner, would you be willing to take care of that while I clean up the kitchen?" This clearly identifies the need and presents a solution that works for both parties.

Communicate your needs clearly, concretely, and positively 

When making a request, clarity is vital. It's important to be clear about what you want from others. Use positive language and avoid asking them to stop a behaviour. Instead, ask them to do something positive. This approach is less likely to create misunderstandings.

For example, instead of saying "Don't be late for our meeting," which is a negative request, try saying "Could you please arrive on time for our meeting at 2 pm tomorrow?" This is a positive request that clearly identifies the desired action. It's important to use requests that express concrete actions. Instead of saying "Could you be more understanding?" which is also a vague request, try saying "Could you please listen to me when I talk about my work stress for 10 minutes each evening?" This is a concrete request that identifies the specific action that would be understanding and supportive.

Although I am still learning, applying the four principles above has helped me understand that clear communication encourages most people in my inner circle to do their best and meet my needs. However, it is essential to reciprocate and apply these principles when listening to others express their needs. By using non-violent communication principles, I can approach their feelings, needs, and requests with compassion and an open heart. Not everyone is aware of non-violent communication and its principles, not everyone can express their feelings or communicate their needs clearly. Now, as for yourself, you can help them to achieve better clarity. For example, recently I noticed during a conversation with my friend that they were struggling to express their needs clearly. Instead of assuming I knew what they meant, I used the principles of non-violent communication. I paraphrased what they said, asked for clarification when needed, and expressed empathy towards their feelings. By doing so, I helped them achieve better clarity and we were able to have a productive conversation where both of our needs were met.

In conclusion, non-violent communication is not only about others, but also about yourself. You can use it to be more compassionate towards yourself. How you communicate with yourself is just as important as how you communicate with others. To communicate and help others communicate non-violently, you can apply the four principles we discussed:

1. Put yourself and others in the situation

2. Express your feelings accurately

3. Clearly identify your needs

4. Communicate your needs clearly, concretely, and positively

Finally, start by thinking of a situation (past, present, or future) and use these principles to formulate a request to express your needs. With practice, you will become a better non-violent communicator over time.